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"Challenging and readable...will help mothers understand the implications of pushing boys out of the family before they're ready to go."—The Los Angeles Times Book Review.
- Sales Rank: #511059 in Books
- Brand: Silverstein, Olga/ Rashbaum, Beth
- Published on: 1995-03-01
- Released on: 1995-03-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.75" h x .50" w x 5.10" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 288 pages
From Publishers Weekly
Ever since the Industrial Revolution, the authors assert, our society has required men not only to break away from their mothers, but also from those qualities and emotions associated with "mother." Male offspring are expected to leave home, often before they are ready, and many mothers unconsciously distance their sons physically--by not hugging them, or by sending them away to school--or emotionally--by discouraging their "feminine" emotions or never becoming very close to them. Drawing on clinical case histories and images of men from popular and classic films and fiction, Silverstein, a therapist at the Ackerman Institute for Family Therapy in New York City, and freelance writer Rashbaum convincingly show how this forced gender split results in unhappy, unfulfilled men and perpetuates a patriarchal system that shortchanges men and women alike. Mothers of male offspring, stress the authors, can break through these emotional barriers, or avoid building them, by having the courage to discard cultural conventions of how to raise sons and instead become "agents of their own values."
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Library Journal
Drawing on both her experience as a mother and her expertise in family therapy, Silverstein casts a highly critical eye on how we raise boys. She uses many examples from popular culture, especially current films, to illustrate societal rejection of the mother and the elevation of boys to inappropriate levels as caretakers of women. She places specific emphasis on adolescence, a time when boys are expected to make a "clean break from home." This practice, she claims, often results in lifelong feelings of abandonment and estrangement from women. Silverstein rejects Robert Bly (Iron John, Audio Reviews, LJ 10/15/92) and dubs the male role model a myth, calling instead for a complete cultural overhaul. Her lucid, concise reading employs a compassionate rather than a confrontational tone. Whether one agrees with Silverstein or not, she offers a great deal to consider and provides an interesting balance to other entries in the gender debate. For most parenting collections.
Jeanne P. Leader, Western Nebraska Community Coll. Lib., Scottsbluff
Copyright 1994 Reed Business Information, Inc.
From Kirkus Reviews
What do men want? Not more wilderness weekends with Robert Bly but closer relationships with their mothers, according to this challenging and compelling study of mother/son relationships. Ever since the Greek goddess Thetis clung too tightly to her infant son, Achilles, and left him the unfortunate legacy of the Achilles heel, mothers have been warned to keep their hands off their sons. If you want your son to grow up to be manly and heroic, so the experts from Freud to Spock counsel, you must not hover, you must let go. But Silverstein, drawing from her 35-year practice as a family therapist as well as her own experiences as a mother, contends that this not-so-benign neglect is responsible for the lion's share of men's problems--for ``lost boys, lonely men, lousy marriages, midlife crises.'' While an expanding civilization may once have required men to separate from their mothers and wives and sail off alone in search of the Golden Fleece, the rules have changed. The frontiers men must cross are internal rather than external. We require men who are brainy rather than brawny, men in touch with the feminine, nurturing parts of themselves and who can protect us from environmental disaster and nuclear annihilation. But even though we no longer need men to slay dragons, we remain trapped in Robert Bly-esque mythologies of masculinity and heroism. Even today, when 25 percent of children under 18 are living in households headed by single women, many mothers, doubting their capacity to be role models, continue to search for father figures for their sons. If mothers trusted their abilities to nurture their sons, to help them become kinder, gentler people, the world would be a better place, Silverstein argues. Literate, perceptive, and provocative--sure to heat up the fires of the gender debate. -- Copyright �1994, Kirkus Associates, LP. All rights reserved.
Most helpful customer reviews
25 of 26 people found the following review helpful.
this is the best book on how to raise boys I have read
By Amazon Customer
When I found out I was having a boy, I was distressed, given that I come from a family of all girls and had no experience with boys. I also don't find most men very appealing on a human level. I doubted my ability to have and maintain a close relationship with a boy-man and this was a matter of some sadness to me.
This book exposed my expectations for what they were - socially induced, i.e. mothers shouldn't be too close to their male children, or they will emasculate them, etc. It is a brilliant book with many compelling examples and its arguments are wholly consistent with common sense and instinct. My husband read some of it and thought its hypothesis was obvious, but it is strikingly different in its prescriptions than any other book on raising boys that I have read. (For instance, the "Wonder of Boys," which says mothers have to leave their sons alone, let them be driven by testosterone into competitiveness, roughness, and machoism, and basically seems to take the attitude that mothers are responsible for most problems their boys have growing up.
This is a positive, hopeful book, displaying warmth and compassion, and seems much more pyschologically sound. It should be required reading of all mothers, along with "Real Boys" of Pollock, which is its more recent successor.
23 of 24 people found the following review helpful.
I LOVED This Book!
By A Customer
I came to the dialog of gender issues from a feminist perspective. I believed, after becoming the mother of two boys, that I pretty much understood gender issues as they related to boys...that is until my two and half year old wanted to buy purple boots. All of a sudden I found myself concerned (afraid!) of what other mothers and his peers would say (or think) about those purple boots. Without shaming him outloud, I subtly directed him toward the dark blue pair. I was totally amazed at my own fear of bending gender rules for a boy! I would have bought combat boots or any other kind of "boy" attire for a daughter but I could not bring myself to allow him to wear something others might find too "feminine". That was three years ago. After having read this book, I am now noticing all the other ways I have subtly or not-so-subtly directed him along a culturally acceptable gender path. And I consider myself to be a feminist. This book was my first exposure to the idea that I won't harm my boys by allowing them the freedom to express themselves, however that might look. This book was my first exposure to the idea that mothers don't harm their sons by loving them passionately and joyfully. I am so grateful for having read this book and I am going to buy it for at least 3 other mothers I know who are raising boys. This should be required reading for ALL parents of boys!!!
16 of 17 people found the following review helpful.
Not a feminist tract but...
By Linda Blanchard
When I was pregnant with my second child, my first boy, I worried a lot about raising him successfully when I had almost no family experience with boys (coming from a family with no brothers, and an often absent father). I knew I wanted to help him avoid all the pitfalls of modern manhood (made vivid by a reading of the book, "The McGill Report on Male Intimacy"). All of the books I had read seemed to come from an "Iron John" perspective or be a sort of vague, New Agey feel-good book, but none of them offered concrete steps and clear facts until I read "The Courage To Raise Good Men." Here at last was a book that told me what my heart should have known all along: just love him like he's a child becoming an adult, and don't try to push him at all (he'll grow up even if you don't push!). This book is not written from a feminist perspective but it would suit any feminist's needs in trying to figure out how to raise a boy into a well-balanced human who happens to be male.
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